Misgendering

Let’s talk about misgendering —

I’ve been misgendered often. Whether it was purposefully or not, it affects my dysphoria. I wanted to somehow capture the emotions I as a trans man, experience when being misgendered. The best way I know how to do that is through my photography.

The tape over my face is essentially symbolism for my fear of correcting people. I never like to speak up, I kind of just let it happen. They correct themselves and we move on, or they don’t correct themselves and we move on. I’m not a confrontational person and never really have been. But I don’t want to make it into a big deal so I usually keep quiet. I don’t mind when someone else corrects another person for me, but for some reason, by dysphoria has always kept me from correcting others myself.

It took me months to be able to have the balls to change my pronouns. I was in college at the time so I always felt like it was be easier to wait because I didn’t want to deal with the questions from my classmates, or the constant misgendering that I knew would happen anyway, so I thought why come out if I knew I wasn’t going to get the respect anyway? It’s kinda sad that was my thinking at the time. I did go to a rather conservative school so I just assumed the worst. So I waited. Then COVID happened and I was able to take classes online. That’s when I though, oh here’s my opportunity to change my pronouns and come out. It’s not like I’ll have to deal with other people’s opinions or other people misgendering as often because we were in quarantine.

Before I came out publicly, I told my friends to try using they/them for me. I thought it’d be a good first step before I came out as trans to kinda, ease people into it. I constantly thought about other people and what would make things easier for them when I came out instead of worrying about my mental health. I put other people’s comfort before mine. It doesn’t matter how hard it might be for someone to refer to you as different pronouns. What matters is who you feel you are, and what you feel you want to be referred to as.

I wasn’t necessarily comfortable with anything at that time because I didn’t think people would confidentially use he/him for me when I wasn’t even on testosterone yet. I was so worried about passing in public that I would never want to go out. I hated going into public because I knew I would get misgendered. That’s how much misgendering someone can affect their mental health. Remember that next time a trans person tells you their pronouns and you purposefully disrespect them.

It wasn’t until I started testosterone that I felt comfortable enough to tell people to use he/him for me. It was a big step, but it was an important one for my mental health. It even took awhile for me to adjust to it. Hearing a stranger use masculine terms and being able to pass in public without having to tell someone to use he/him for me was quite possibly one of the best feelings of gender euphoria for me.

I hope that anyone dealing with misgendering at home or at school knows that it gets better and it gets easier. It takes time for people to adjust and that’s okay. You kind of just have to let it happen. But once you surround yourself with the right people, you’ll have those ones correcting the ones who have no purpose in your life in the first place if they can’t respect you.

Purposefully misgendering someone is extremely transphobic and I ask that anyone who knows what someone’s pronouns are, to use them. If you mess up by accident, simply correct yourself and move on. There’s no need to make it into a big deal. If you don’t know what someone’s pronouns are, use they/them or simply ask. It’s not rude to ask, I preferred people ask me because I was always too nervous to correct them. At the end of the day, just respect other people’s pronouns because why go out of your way to cause unnecessary pain for them.