Ugly Parts Of Being Trans
There’s a lot of ugly parts to being trans that aren’t talked about enough so as always, I wanted to dedicate another photoshoot to bring these kind of conversations to the table. For as long as I could remember I hated mirrors. I would always judge every single thing about myself until I couldn’t look at whoever was staring back at me. I hated my long hair, I hated my body, I hated just about everything. I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. However there’s days where I get sent back to this place of hatred. Dysphoria can control everything about how you feel, how you act, and who you are. It’s an ugly thing sometimes and those ugly parts of being trans are rarely ever communicated. Especially to people who have no idea what dysphoria feels like. So let’s talk about it…
Pre-transition was probably the most depressed I had ever been. I didn’t think there would ever be an easy solution to what I was going through. I was so alone in my thoughts, and I didn’t think that would ever change. Although I have so much support now, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, it’s difficult knowing that I had to go through the worst of it (pre-transition) completely alone.
It’s easier for me to make a list of some of the ugliest parts of being trans that I’ve personally dealt with, because I don’t want to get TOO deep. So here goes…
Physically hurting yourself to pass because you were scared of what people would do to you if they knew.
Constantly looking for validation because all I really wanted my whole life was to be accepted for who I am.
Missing out on childhood, high school, and college experiences because you were forcing yourself to be someone you weren’t during them.
Constant insecurities about my identity affecting the people I date and how they identify themselves.
Feeling like I’ll never be “enough of a man” for other people.
The confusion that comes with having to navigate new emotions while being on HRT.
Being treated like trans is your only personality trait and that’s all people talk about when they meet you.
Self - sabotaging relationships because you don’t think anyone will be able to fully understand your dysphoria.
Having to teach myself to be a good man but having a fear of masculinity because of how men have treated me in the past.
Feeling inadequate in every relationship because you don’t feel good enough for yourself.
Being afraid of certain parts of intimacy because you’re scared your partner won’t see you as a man any longer.
Blaming yourself for people not being able to respect your pronouns.
The loneliness that comes with people leaving while you’re just trying to find yourself.
Not being able to even leave the house when your dysphoria gets so bad.
The list goes on. And I’ll continue it. But I wanted to stop to bring some light into this because I don’t want this to be all negative.
It does get easier as time goes on, and other people can help. Although they might not be able to understand fully there are people that will. Connect with other queer and trans friends. If you don’t have any, use social media. If you feel alone, just know there are so many people out there who are willing to help, you just have to know where to look.
When it comes to helping someone who might have really bad dysphoria, I can’t say too much because for me, there’s not much that helps. Distractions are great. Reassurance is always much needed. If you’re dating someone who’s trans, ask them what helps. It’s all about communication, but just check in and make sure they know they’re not alone.
When it comes to dysphoria, you never really know what might trigger it. Sometimes I’ll get super dysphoric out of nowhere and it’ll ruin my entire day. I’m trying to be as honest as I can be here so although I want people to try and not let that happen, I’m going to talk about the times when it does. Below is a continued list of the struggles of dysphoria and being trans.
Having to cancel plans because I can’t find an outfit I’m comfortable enough in. (Even after changing for 2+ hours)
Looking at yourself too long in the mirror and hating your body.
Not wanting to take your shirt off at the beach because you’re scared someone will realize you’re trans.
Walking into the men’s bathroom only to have to walk back out because there’s no stalls open.
Having to stab yourself with a needle every week on your own.
Being alone in a group of cis men.
The sore ribs and blistered skin from binding so much.
UTI’s from holding your bladder because you don’t want to pee in public.
Not being close with some family because it’s easier to be alone than it is to not be supported.
Not being able to talk about your past or your childhood because you don’t remember much since blocking it out.
Going into debt just to feel like you belong in your body.
Wearing the same thing over and over because it’s the only thing you’re comfortable in.
Having to apologize for someone else misgendering you.
Having to out yourself every time you go somewhere and they ask for an ID.
Sitting in silence while everyone lives their best life while you simply can’t afford to be who you are.
Feeling like you have someone else’s memories and not your own.
If you think that’s a lot, there’s only so much more. I’ve trapped myself in my room for days on end without talking to anybody because I was too afraid to come to terms with who I was. I once had to kick someone out of my own home because they only saw me as a girl after hooking up and proceeded to call me one. I recently punched my mirror and hurt myself so bad that I bled because I hated how I looked. Remember that dysphoria doesn’t go away. Although someone might seem okay, they’re still dealing with a lot. Remember to check in on your trans friends even if they might seem okay on the outside.
There are a lot of parts of being trans that are extremely difficult to deal with. And although I’m proud of who I am, I wish I didn’t have to deal with these parts of myself. Pride isn’t just about celebrating queer people. It’s also about educating yourself and understanding the struggles we as a community face.
