“How Did You Make the Decision to Transition?”

A lot of people ask me when I decided to transition or even how I decided to make that decision. Now before I answer I want to make it clear that being trans is in no way a choice. However, deciding to transition is something that most trans individuals must consider. It’s something I didn’t think I would be able to do for awhile. I didn’t think my family would accept me if I did and if I’m being honest, I didn’t think I would have the balls to do it.

I first realized I was trans in 2019. I found comfort in a lot of other trans individuals on social media and even reached out to a few for some advice. My last semester of college was one of the hardest few months for me because I was coming to terms with the fact that I was transgender and I would have to decide whether or not I wanted to transition or even tell people at all. I thought that maybe this was something I could just live with and keep to myself at first. I wouldn’t have to risk losing my family, my friends, or deal with how society would treat me if I came out. It was one thing for me to be living my life as a lesbian woman but it was a whole different path for me to come out as a trans man. But it all became too much for my 20 year old self to handle so I finally confided in someone about it. I realized that the only thing holding me back from making the decision to come out and the decision to transition was other people. I asked myself, “If nobody would care and I could start my transition tomorrow would I?” The answer was yes. Absolutely.

I realized I could not keep living my life as someone I wasn’t. My dysphoria controlled my life my last semester of college. I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of bed, I despised having to shower and look at myself in the mirror. I hated my body. I tried to think about living my life like that for the rest of my life and it was impossible for me. The only thing that really helped was thinking about the life that I could have. I realized up until that point I really never looked at my future and pictured myself living my life as a woman. I didn’t really picture anything at all to be honest. It was all a blank space to me. But once I realized that the only thing holding me back from coming out and transitioning was other people, I saw what my future could look like and I wanted it. I finally made the decision to cut my hair and come out to my parents with the help of some really important people in my life that I’m forever grateful for.

If you’re questioning your gender or struggling with coming out and making the decision to transition my first piece of advice is to find someone you know will be supportive and confide in them. Once I cut my hair I made an appointment with a doctor to talk about what my options were. I was extremely nervous to change my pronouns and start T because of what other people would think. I didn’t think people would be supportive and I wasn’t sure how to go about it. It was all new to me. Yes, I’ve come out before but coming out as bisexual or coming out as a lesbian is completely different from coming out as trans. There are questions that come along with coming out as trans. “Are you going to get surgery?” “If so, which surgeries are you gonna get?” “Are you going to take testosterone?” “So you wanna be a boy?” “So what, I have to call you he now?” These are the questions I had to prepare for.

I finally came out to my family on November 9th of 2019. It was absolutely one of the hardest things I ever had to do. No one really prepares you to come out because it’s different for everyone. You never really know what to expect. I had a really hard few months after coming out. It’ll take time. My advice is to be honest with yourself. Put yourself first. If they don’t understand they may need time. If time doesn’t help, they aren’t worth being in your life in the first place.

For while, I kept being trans from people because I personally wasn’t ready to change my pronouns or come out to people at school yet. I went to a college that was not necessarily very “diverse.” It wasn’t until COVID sent us home from college that I saw an opportunity for myself. Classes were from home, we were in quarantine for a few months, and I realized it was the perfect time for me to start my transition. I wouldn’t have to physically see my classmates so that would help with the mis-gendering and since we were in quarantine I wouldn’t have to deal with it so much in public. My doctor called me and told me he would prescribe me testosterone for whenever I was ready. That phone called changed my entire life. April 16th of 2020 is when I had my first dose of testosterone. I came out with a post on social media explaining to family and friends who might’ve been shocked by my coming out. I asked for people to refer to me as he/him from then on and the amount of love and acceptance I received was insane.

I lived 21 years of my life as a woman and I don’t regret a thing. I had a lot of experiences that have shaped me into the man I am today. If I’m being completely honest, I learned how to be a good man through my experiences living as a woman. I’m glad I decided to transition when I did. I couldn’t be more grateful with a supportive family and supportive friends. Looking back, I wish I didn’t focus so much on other people and what they would think. My happiness was being restricted because I was too scared of how other people would feel. My advice: Don’t make decisions for other people, make them for yourself. Live your life for you.