Dating As A Trans Person
Dating as a trans person is hard…. so let’s talk about it
Since its trans awareness week I wanted to bring awareness to a topic not many people talk about, which is dating when you’re transgender. I, as a trans man, am in a straight relationship with my cis-gender girlfriend. I wanted to do a photoshoot with her to showcase that trans love is real as long as there’s respect on both ends. She painted her nails with the trans colors to make the photos pop more and I had her write on my body while I wrote on her hands. For so long, I never thought I would find someone who would love me for everything I am, because as a trans man, there’s a lot to unpack there. But it doesn’t need to be as hard as so many people might think it is. Trans people deserve love too, so let them be loved for who they are.
First of all. Let’s stop making trans love all about labels and sexual orientation. Just because you might find a trans person attractive doesn’t necessarily mean you need to go through another sexuality crisis.
Love is not based on genitalia. People don’t fall in love just by seeing what’s in someone’s pants. You fall in love with the PERSON and who they are. You’re not falling in love with their junk. If you do base who you date on what their junk looks like, then you might need to re-evaluate your priorities, because that’s not what love is all about. There’s also nothing wrong with having preferences. I mean, I have a preference for cis females, there’s nothing wrong with that. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t date someone with something different in their pants. To me, that doesn’t matter, it’s the person that matters. If you’re not into something, you don’t need to feel bad about it. But don’t turn those preferences into transphobia. It’s okay to prefer to date cis-gender people, but it becomes transphobic when you choose not to date someone simply because they’re transgender. If that’s the only reason you wouldn’t date them, then there’s something wrong there.
I’ve had interactions with women before where they’ve been attracted to every part of me but when it came down to it, their actions towards me became transphobic. Comments like “how are you gonna f*ck me without a dick” or *wait does this mean I’m gay now?” are what I mean by transphobic. If someone makes you feel wrong or unlovable because of your parts, THEY are wrong, not you. You are just as valid as any cis person is in your gender and in your body.
I’ve felt unlovable due to my transness and I know others have felt the same way. It took me a long time to realize that it was the people I was dating that were toxic, not myself. Don’t let anyone convince you that you are any less desirable or dateable because you are trans. You deserve better. And I mean, we’re hot, so who wouldn’t want to date a trans person? Dating a trans person in a society that sexualizes and objectifies them is a privilege.
Tips for People Dating Trans People
Approach them the same way you would anyone else. There’s no need to treat us differently when hitting on us.
Don’t assume trans bodies work the same way cis bodies do.
Don’t project your fantasies onto us.
Don’t automatically assume we already have a dysphoric relationship with our junk.
Just because you’ve dated one trans person, does not mean you are an expert on dating trans people. We’re all different and we all have different experiences and desires.
Start your bedroom conversations by talking about your preferences. What language do they prefer for their junk? What are their turn ons and turn offs? What parts of their body might be off limits?
Don’t fetishize us.
Don’t overthink it. Just ask. Or use google.
“Affirming trans identity is not just about the language. It’s about committing to recognizing them as [their gender identity] and treating them as such.” (Safer Sex for Trans Bodies) Gender affirming language is step one to showing your trans partner that you respect them in their gender and their identity.
I’m gonna include a couple quotes from my girlfriend below to help anyone on the other end of dating anyone who identifies as transgender.
“The most important aspect when it comes to dating a trans person is communication. Just like in cis relationships, making sure you know what makes your partner comfortable and uncomfortable is the best way to ensure you are always validating them. It’s important to know there are different layers when it comes to validating your trans partner. This includes affirming their gender as an individual and validating their role in your romantic relationship.”
“The traditional gender roles in cis relationships tend to be made up of a more masculine and a more feminine partner, whereas those roles can be more fluid in queer relationships. Talk to your partner to understand what role they view themselves in in your relationship and make sure you validate that.”
“Validation comes from asking questions about their preferences and following through with those. It can be harmful to just assume your partner is ok with certain things without asking first. Every trans person has had unique experiences and has unique preferences.”
Society always wants to ask the questions, who’s the male and who’s the female in the relationship? Why does there need to be either? There is no limit for the amount of masculinity or femininity that is present in a relationship. This goes for all queer couples. People always like to see a masc one and a femme one in the relationship, but why? There’s no need to have both ends of the gender spectrum in a relationship. Date who who want, as you are.
To my trans people reading this, you are lovable and you are valid. If you haven’t found someone who treats you as such, you will. Don’t settle for any less. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally as you are. The validity of your trans identity is not subjective to who finds you attractive.
